Rainbow Baby

My baby boy will be one tomorrow, and I’m taking it pretty hard. I LOVE the baby stage, and while I know one-year-olds are still babies, it’s a huge milestone because it’s like they get catapulted to a toddler in the months after turning one. Maybe it’s because he’s my last baby, but I think it’s mostly because I prayed so hard for another baby after Kennedy. I was so scared to have another baby. I thought it would take too much of my attention away from Kennedy and her special needs, and I thought maybe it wasn’t fair for Tatum and Piper either. The first year of Kennedy’s life was so difficult and before she even turned one, we had decided to have another baby. I put my body through a lot. There were a lot of tests done, and we chose the IVF route. The first transfer did not work. I thought that was my sign, and I was crushed. I had gone through a lot of trauma that first year after I had Kennedy. We completely missed the typical baby stage. Kennedy was a very different kind of baby because she never really got out of the newborn stage until AFTER her first birthday when we got temporary seizure control. Her first birthday party was very hard for me. I had just went through a failed IVF transfer, and I had to watch as Kennedy sat there, in her accessible seat, with little to no expression at her first party. She couldn’t eat cake or even sit up on her own, and I remember trying so hard to get just one smile from her. Somehow I made it through, and I focused on getting her better. But the thought of having another baby would not go away. I honestly became fixated on it the moment Jason said "ok" just 2 months after we received Kennedy's diagnosis. I also knew we had another chance at IVF, but there was a part of me that thought I needed more time to heal emotionally and physically. That part quickly changed after talking it over with Jason. We decided not to wait and instead, immediately tried again. It was different this time. I let my body do most of the work. No extra hormones. And I prayed so very hard. I prayed for a sign. Anything to know I was doing the right thing by trying again. During the next few weeks and before we knew for sure the pregnancy would be successful, I witnessed two beautiful rainbows that seemed to appear during mid-prayer: one overlooking my backyard and one while I was driving. Those moments gave me so much peace. I felt God's presence and I knew we were having another baby. I first read the description of a “rainbow baby” after my own rainbow experience, and although my story is different, I have always felt Jase to be my rainbow baby. “When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with it’s aftermath. It means something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds”. I became pregnant with Jase immediately after the most difficult year I had ever been through and then Jase was born during Kennedy’s six month stretch of uncontrollable seizures. He was my light, my rainbow among storm clouds. I held him tonight and just cried happy tears and thanked God over and over.